She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
