sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
