it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
