I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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