I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
