No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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