Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
