someone get that fucking seahorse.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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