So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
