I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize