my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
