my sisters under your porch take her home
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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