I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
