i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
