I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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