you guys were way drunker than both of me
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
