When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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