I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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