i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
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