can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
