Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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