the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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