I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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