My room smells like vodka and shame
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
