Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
