I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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