so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
