Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
