I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize