they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
