I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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