So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
