I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
