You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
