just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize