I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
