I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
