My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
