2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
