I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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