Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
