Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize