The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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