this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
