Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
