Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
