Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
