It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
