I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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