The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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