end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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