My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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