bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
