Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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