you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
