wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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