I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
