Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize