How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
this will be a night to untag.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
