you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
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