My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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